I'm selfish

I have just been struggling so much here lately...with everything.


I'm all over the place emotionally...totally unpredictable. I feel like I'm ready to give up. I feel like my fight is gone.

I try so hard to be there for everyone, and I feel like in the process of making sure that everyone else is ok and has support behind them...I get overlook'd. And, I'm sure that's not true. I'm almost positive that's not true. But it feels true.

It feels like I spend most of my day making sure that everyone else is ok but me. And it's not even that I'm complaining. No one forces me to make sure they have what they need. No one just assumes that I will be there for them. I tell them that I will be there for them. And I love them, I want them to be ok, I don't want them to hurt, I need to make sure that I am doing all that I can for them.

But I feel like I have very few people that I can turn to when I need that kind of love & support. And it's not that I am not surrounding by amazing & beautiful people. My friends are absolute angels. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to take away from what they need e'cause I'm crying.

So why am a being such a fucking bitch and secretly resenting them for not being able to read my mind and just know that I need someone? I know I haven't asked for help, I know that I haven't really let on just how bad it's been. I know that all I have to do is call or text and I will have a soft place to land, I know that my friends would be there for me the way I am for them if I tell them that I need them. And I know that they don't know what I'm dealing with because they are dealing with so much themselves that I would feel guilty for taking away focus from them getting support. So what gives me the right to get pissed off over it?!

And that circles back to me hating myself...and it makes me cry more. I never use to be this person. I never use to want to put myself, my feelings, my tears ahead of anyone else. I just don't know how to deal right now, I don't even know how to like myself right now.